XNA is garbage.

Okay, so apparently Microsoft has finally unveiled their XNA project, wherein independent video game developers and their ilk can conceptualize, create, and publish their artistic visions to an incredibly game-oriented and receptive public (snicker) on Xbox Live. Last night I was incredibly, incredibly drunk (drinking two sixers of tall boys, don't ask me why), and on a lark I downloaded all of the available games and played them until 6 AM. While I don't feel like a better person for subtly ruining my life even further, I do feel that I've played the games enough to pass some sort of judgment or analysis, and thus I shall. So, without further ado, let's get onto the scathing denunciations!

First up is the game Culture, and from what I played, it didn't really make me feel any classier. It's some sort of puzzle game (I think, it's pretty abstract and bad) that's reminiscent of a Green Party take upon Tetrisphere; that is, you have this big globe that you can rotate in real time and, uh, plant flowers. Yeah, that's right, you plant flowers. I don't know what sort of genius thought that this idea would go over like a house on fire with the gaming public at large, but apparently some misguided fellows at Hidden Path Entertainment (please, show me the way!) share a different point of view than yours truly. Honestly, from the very first moment I loaded this game and had to suffer through birds chirping every time I pointed the cursor over a new menu option, I knew it wasn't going to go well. And poorly it went, I must say. Even when I'm drunk I manage to grasp tightly to my few wits, chief among them my "gamer's sense," yet even with that shred of whatever you'd call it (skill, maybe?) I couldn't figure out what this game was about. Avoid like HIV. AVOID.

The next game on the table is JellyCar, an intriguing little bit of code that lasts for about... thirty seconds. No, I'm not joking, it's one "level" wherein you move a car capable of size shifting and whatnot from Point A to a very local Point B. I suppose that the idea implied by this tech demo of sorts is nifty, but with thirty seconds of gameplay, even the worst games can seem like masterpieces. I'll hold my commentary on this game until more of it is revealed, but at this point, don't even bother wasting the hard disk space on your 360 with this game. The potential's there, but not enough content for it to shine, unfortunately.

Little Gamers was the first bit of software that brought a smile to my face, as well as some actual gameplay meat to the table. The premise of the game, from a fine Belgian named Loic Dansart, seems to be a parody of the current video game (and internet) culture at large, with the playable character constantly uttering common and recognizable bits of internet lingo and slang and the like. The gameplay, as simple as it is, works very well; you move from Point A to Point B on a 2D plane, using weapons you find as you go to eliminate your enemies (whether they be fellow irreverent youth, zombies, special forces agents, mechs, etc.) and last out the level. Power-ups are scattered throughout each scene, and they serve their own special purposes (like Beer, which slows things into a bullet time sort of crawl, or Coffee, which puts your character into a berserker rage for a short time). It's a cute, campy, and probably somewhat profound (if you could call it that) interpretation of the youth culture at large, and I could think of worse ways to flush a half hour of my life down the drain instead of playing this.

Onto perhaps the greatest ray of light this host of games has to offer, ProximityHD. It's a puzzle game, and a rather simplistic one, at that, but the AI is fierce, and winning a match is a rare occurrence and something you feel proud of in the end. The gameplay takes place in a grid, wherein the four players (you being one of them, of course) is given a randomly generated set of numbers each turn, and by placing larger numbers next to an opponent's smaller ones you take control of your point and theirs, adding to your total number of points in play on the board and your overall score. Placing a smaller number next to a larger one reduces it by the difference in the integers, and plays an equally important role in the strategy the game requires. To be honest, while it's the most simple of premises of the lot of XNA games available, it's the one that kept me glued to my television set until about 6 AM, and it's the game I found myself playing once I got home from work this evening as well. Very well executed, Brian Cable, and I hope you develop this into a full Xbox Live Arcade release or whatever you have planned for it.

Rocketball is some unplayable garbage based upon the beloved sport of dodgeball. Made little sense when I was hammered, and even less when I gave it a shot sober this evening. Sorry, Fuel N' Spark Games, you lose.

Of all the releases in this batch, The Dishwasher is probably the most gripping and recognizable as far as aesthetics and presentation are concerned; the game has a dreary, bleak comic book feel (not unlike the works of Ashley Wood), and the cutscenes are scripted in panels like so much comic bookery. Very cool stuff, and on top of that, the game plays almost like a 2D version of Devil May Cry 3, allowing for combos and air juggles and all the great shit that's implied by that. James Silva is definitely onto something here, and I'm curious to see what comes of this project of his.

Last, but not least, is the game called TriLinea, also known as "Puzzle Quest's Broke-Ass Cousin." But that's not a bad thing at all! The gameplay is a lot like Tetris/Columns/whatever puzzle clone was big in the 90's, with RPG elements and spells and all that business thrown in for good measure. The game sports a versus and story mode (and one other that I don't care to check on at the moment, so fuck you), and it's a very challenging and entertaining romp. I could see this being some sort of complement to the genre that Puzzle Quest has pioneered and championed, and perhaps if Brazil's Edison Prata plays his cards right, could usurp pretty easily. Good stuff right here.

But don't take my word for this, the games are available for free on Xbox Live as this is posted. Regardless of whether they're trash or pure gold, download them, play them, and see what you think. They're not all going to be winners (nor can they be), but at least they bring some new ideas to the table in the veritable feast of video game options at present, and that's good enough for me.