XNA is garbage.

Okay, so apparently Microsoft has finally unveiled their XNA project, wherein independent video game developers and their ilk can conceptualize, create, and publish their artistic visions to an incredibly game-oriented and receptive public (snicker) on Xbox Live. Last night I was incredibly, incredibly drunk (drinking two sixers of tall boys, don't ask me why), and on a lark I downloaded all of the available games and played them until 6 AM. While I don't feel like a better person for subtly ruining my life even further, I do feel that I've played the games enough to pass some sort of judgment or analysis, and thus I shall. So, without further ado, let's get onto the scathing denunciations!

First up is the game Culture, and from what I played, it didn't really make me feel any classier. It's some sort of puzzle game (I think, it's pretty abstract and bad) that's reminiscent of a Green Party take upon Tetrisphere; that is, you have this big globe that you can rotate in real time and, uh, plant flowers. Yeah, that's right, you plant flowers. I don't know what sort of genius thought that this idea would go over like a house on fire with the gaming public at large, but apparently some misguided fellows at Hidden Path Entertainment (please, show me the way!) share a different point of view than yours truly. Honestly, from the very first moment I loaded this game and had to suffer through birds chirping every time I pointed the cursor over a new menu option, I knew it wasn't going to go well. And poorly it went, I must say. Even when I'm drunk I manage to grasp tightly to my few wits, chief among them my "gamer's sense," yet even with that shred of whatever you'd call it (skill, maybe?) I couldn't figure out what this game was about. Avoid like HIV. AVOID.

The next game on the table is JellyCar, an intriguing little bit of code that lasts for about... thirty seconds. No, I'm not joking, it's one "level" wherein you move a car capable of size shifting and whatnot from Point A to a very local Point B. I suppose that the idea implied by this tech demo of sorts is nifty, but with thirty seconds of gameplay, even the worst games can seem like masterpieces. I'll hold my commentary on this game until more of it is revealed, but at this point, don't even bother wasting the hard disk space on your 360 with this game. The potential's there, but not enough content for it to shine, unfortunately.

Little Gamers was the first bit of software that brought a smile to my face, as well as some actual gameplay meat to the table. The premise of the game, from a fine Belgian named Loic Dansart, seems to be a parody of the current video game (and internet) culture at large, with the playable character constantly uttering common and recognizable bits of internet lingo and slang and the like. The gameplay, as simple as it is, works very well; you move from Point A to Point B on a 2D plane, using weapons you find as you go to eliminate your enemies (whether they be fellow irreverent youth, zombies, special forces agents, mechs, etc.) and last out the level. Power-ups are scattered throughout each scene, and they serve their own special purposes (like Beer, which slows things into a bullet time sort of crawl, or Coffee, which puts your character into a berserker rage for a short time). It's a cute, campy, and probably somewhat profound (if you could call it that) interpretation of the youth culture at large, and I could think of worse ways to flush a half hour of my life down the drain instead of playing this.

Onto perhaps the greatest ray of light this host of games has to offer, ProximityHD. It's a puzzle game, and a rather simplistic one, at that, but the AI is fierce, and winning a match is a rare occurrence and something you feel proud of in the end. The gameplay takes place in a grid, wherein the four players (you being one of them, of course) is given a randomly generated set of numbers each turn, and by placing larger numbers next to an opponent's smaller ones you take control of your point and theirs, adding to your total number of points in play on the board and your overall score. Placing a smaller number next to a larger one reduces it by the difference in the integers, and plays an equally important role in the strategy the game requires. To be honest, while it's the most simple of premises of the lot of XNA games available, it's the one that kept me glued to my television set until about 6 AM, and it's the game I found myself playing once I got home from work this evening as well. Very well executed, Brian Cable, and I hope you develop this into a full Xbox Live Arcade release or whatever you have planned for it.

Rocketball is some unplayable garbage based upon the beloved sport of dodgeball. Made little sense when I was hammered, and even less when I gave it a shot sober this evening. Sorry, Fuel N' Spark Games, you lose.

Of all the releases in this batch, The Dishwasher is probably the most gripping and recognizable as far as aesthetics and presentation are concerned; the game has a dreary, bleak comic book feel (not unlike the works of Ashley Wood), and the cutscenes are scripted in panels like so much comic bookery. Very cool stuff, and on top of that, the game plays almost like a 2D version of Devil May Cry 3, allowing for combos and air juggles and all the great shit that's implied by that. James Silva is definitely onto something here, and I'm curious to see what comes of this project of his.

Last, but not least, is the game called TriLinea, also known as "Puzzle Quest's Broke-Ass Cousin." But that's not a bad thing at all! The gameplay is a lot like Tetris/Columns/whatever puzzle clone was big in the 90's, with RPG elements and spells and all that business thrown in for good measure. The game sports a versus and story mode (and one other that I don't care to check on at the moment, so fuck you), and it's a very challenging and entertaining romp. I could see this being some sort of complement to the genre that Puzzle Quest has pioneered and championed, and perhaps if Brazil's Edison Prata plays his cards right, could usurp pretty easily. Good stuff right here.

But don't take my word for this, the games are available for free on Xbox Live as this is posted. Regardless of whether they're trash or pure gold, download them, play them, and see what you think. They're not all going to be winners (nor can they be), but at least they bring some new ideas to the table in the veritable feast of video game options at present, and that's good enough for me.

Undertow, or: MICROSOFT SLAPS YO FACE

If you own an Xbox 360 and were online with it in the past month, then maybe you remember the numerous problems that Microsoft was having with their gaming network. Then again, I hesitate to call simply being unable to connect something as trivial as a "problem," but you get the point. Anyhow, in order to apologize to their subscribers for the extended lack of service, Microsoft has made the Xbox Live Arcade title, Undertow, available to download completely free of charge (for a limited time, though, and that time is long since past). Having been somewhat intrigued by the title, but never actually being ambitious enough to download the trial version, I thought to myself, "Hey, I like free things!" and downloaded the full game. So far, so good, right? And once you boot the game and tinker around with it for a few minutes, you'll sadly realize that the most entertaining part of the whole experience is past you, never to return again: downloading the game.

I suppose that's a bit harsh to say, that the few scant moments you take to acquire the game are more entertaining than the piece of software itself. Perhaps that's even too hyperbolic to even be believable, but then again, I don't think I've played a game with so many glaring inconsistencies in recent memory as Undertow, and it's chock full of them. Like, spilling over the brim. Okay, too much hyperbole again, but really, the problems are there and they're obvious. In fact, the grief I harbor toward this game can be broken down into two easy categories: presentation and gameplay. Hey, wait... Aren't those the two key elements of any videogame? Things aren't looking good for Undertow...

Since I mentioned it first, I'll get this ball rolling with a breakdown of the presentation. Overall, if I had to make an all-encompassing statement about the appearance of Undertow, it would probably be along the lines of "pretty good;" that is, it doesn't look awful, but at the same time, there are inconsistencies that are easily noted that prevent any keen and discerning eye from calling it visually stimulating during the entire period of gameplay. The title is powered by the Unreal Engine 3, and if you've played any game that has that software under the hood (ie. Gears of War, Unreal Tournament 3, BioShock, etc.), you know just how damn good that engine really looks. The in-game portions of Undertow are actually somewhat impressive; the seabed, the control points, and the undersea vegetation all look very nice, with some snazzy lighting effects put to use for the control points. From a distance, Undertow might even wow someone from the overall visual 'oomph' alone.

Then, however, you spend a few more minutes watching and looking closely, and that initial impact quickly fades. The units controlled in-game are ridiculously small, two of the four to the point where you could very easily strain your eyes to see them and what's going on with them. I suppose that gripe would be a bit more of a moot point if you're running your 360 on a 70" plasma television, but not everyone is, unfortunately, and that's something developers should keep in mind. On top of that, the units themselves are incredibly spartan and lack any detail or minute touches that help them stand out. As if this weren't bad enough in miniature, the cutscenes that take place between each mission (which I'm totally convinced are voiced by members of the Royal Shakespeare Theatre, the deliveries are so moving) use (are what I assume to be) in-game character models for the action. And boy, talk about plain! These things give Kirsten Dunst a run for her money! The characters look like something out of an amateur 3D modeler's portfolio, entities that are there but just aren't quite finished. Literally, they don't look like they're complete, as there are no textures whatsoever to adorn the character models and give them a "finished" or polished look. While I understand that part of the goal with the Xbox Live Arcade is to make complete games with as small of a file download size as possible, I think this is taking it to the extreme. I mean, adding some textures to the package isn't going to increase the file size significantly, nor would it matter much in the end. Anyone who's using Xbox Live is on a broadband internet connection, and the difference of a few megs here and there really wouldn't mean anything to anyone, would it? So, in spite of the fact that the game does have some genuinely attractive environments and effects going for it, the overall half-assed feeling of the presentation really hampers the intended effect.

The other element of this game that drove me up the wall was the gameplay. For those who were wondering, the game uses the obligatory dual stick XBLA game setup that seems to be all the rage since Geometry Wars Evolved set the trend. But it's not the input setup that I'm bitching about when I mention gameplay, since the controls are actually smooth and responsive, and very little could be done to make them any better. No, rather, I'm complaining about things happening behind the scenes, things like the computer AI and balance issues that really make playing this game a chore.

Take, for example, the behavior of the computer-controlled units: Your units follow you for a bit, then inexplicably break off from your lead and just sort of go wherever they please; in the meantime, the enemy units are attacking as one massive swarm, crushing your offense and mopping up any stragglers they might find. As frustrating as this sounds, it's only compounded by the fact that the game revolves around (mostly) capturing and holding the aptly-named capture points scattered throughout each level. If you can capture and hold each one in a mission, you win and move on to the following stage. Alternately, you can simply outlast your opponent in a war of attrition, destroying their units over and over until they've run out of respawn chances. From what I've let on about the AI, especially your comrades' AI, which do you think is the more likely scenario for every single level? Yes, that's right, the capture points don't really mean any goddamn thing in this game, so I'm a bit unsure why they're even there. No matter how good you think you are, no matter how quickly you capure the points, it's pretty much a given that the second you move away from one to capture the next, the enemy units will swarm the point you left and retake it in a matter of seconds. Your AI-controlled units really don't put up much of a fight, nor do they seem to care (or even know) that holding the capture points is their job. They're just happy to swim around merrily in the general vicinity of the capture point and blissfully embrace their demise when the onslaught of opponents close in on them. To top it all off, there's no way to issue commands to your units, to group them into offensive or defensive teams, or do anything resembling useful with them. It's an XBLA game, folks, so that means it's supposed to be simple and fun! Well, I can assure you that only one of those two adjectives describes Undertow.

In all fairness, I should probably point a few things out in my closing remarks. I have yet to really play the game online against other live opponents, but I have a feeling that's where this game might shine. If you had 15 other real human players going head-to-head, with no tactically-challenged AI units around, this game could be pretty fun. So, being the fair and level-headed person that most know me as, I'm going to make it a point to try this game out with other players online, and update this entry with my impressions. For now, though, I think I've painted a decent portrait of how the single player Undertow plays, so download this game at your own risk. Being afflicted with what I assume to be a mild case of OCD, I'm now basically obligated to unlock most/all of the Achievements for this game, so if that's your bag, feel free. But until I get a chance to play the online portion of the game, let's take this for what it is. Say you're having a huge, blowin' up the spot sorta party one night, and on that night, a friend of yours gets way too drunk and ends up shitting in your bed. Well, we'll agree that's sorta, uh, messed up, and he needs to apologize. Only instead of offering you a case of beer or offering to pay for the dry cleaning for your linens or something, he comes over, gets drunk again, and shits in your sink this time. Yeah, that's sorta what this token gesture by Microsoft means: nothing.